I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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