I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
