hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
