wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
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