Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
