I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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