im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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