I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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