He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
how drunk are you?
Several
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
