Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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