i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
