If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
