I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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