There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
