I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
