You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize