I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
try to milk me bitch
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
