He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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