If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
