Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
