i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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