I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
