this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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