i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Found the puke drawer
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
