I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
