take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Four minutes until I can fart!
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Randomize
