in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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