Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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