I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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