My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
