and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
