My balls are so social today.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
