Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
