So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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