I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
