My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
