Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
