she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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