these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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