we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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