Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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