i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
