my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
