I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
