why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
