if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
