I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
