you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
