her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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