i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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