how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
