Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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