She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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