I can text with my tongue
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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