she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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