I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
