dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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