I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
That was an excessively violent trivia night
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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