Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
