You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
